That Which Was Lost...
by Melissa2
Summary: Decisions and consequences thereof sums it up pretty well. A sequel to Bonds Without Barrier, but you don't have to read that to read this. I provided a nice little summary at the beginning. Please read and review.
1. Chapter 1: Harper

Disclaimer: Andromeda belongs to Tribune, not me.  
Spoilers: Any first season episode is fair game, but not a lot will be used probably.  
Author's Note: This is a sequel to Bonds Without Barrier, but I'll give you a quick synopsis in case you haven't read it or forgot. Andromeda finds a girl from the early 21st century named Lise Bennett. She was the source for clones by a species of alien and kept in a biostasis unit to survive 3000 years. She decides she needs a cerebral port to function in society, so Beka, Harper and her go down to Utrecht. Harper and her are kidnapped and she is given a port involuntarily. She dies when Beka finally comes to rescue them. Harper is crushed, denying her death at first, but six months later, he has learned to cope. He finds a message from her and a dish in Med Deck. She left him what was necessary for them to have a child with the help of a surrogate mother. Harper ponders it for a few minutes, but then casts it aside. All that and some more in 29 chapters of Bonds Without Barrier. On with the sequel!  
  
  
I took a deep breath and smelled the intense stench of death as I opened my eyes. Only one place harbored this nauseating smell. It had to be Earth. I turned around, and my suspicions were confirmed. The landscape was definitely that of Earth--thoroughly decimated by Nietzchean raids and Magog attacks. Just a wonderful place to be. In the distance, I could see a group of living humans. I ran towards them, but stopped dead in my tracks when they were within sight. It was my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and everyone close to me I had lost during my years on Earth. This was impossible. They should all be piles of abandoned bones laying somewhere I wouldn't dare step foot by now.  
  
"Seamus, you near your twenty-fourth birthday. Are you going to continue dishonoring us?" My mother approached me, her eyes manifesting complete blame. Blame she placed on my shoulders.  
  
"But you're dead...you've been dead since I was ten, mom." I wondered how this could possibly be happening. I had no hand in its creation, that was for sure.  
  
"You give us no honor, nothing to show for your life." My father stepped forward. They both sounded like the usual deranged Nietzchean, and I had no clue what they were talking about. Just like any conversation I have with Tyr.  
  
"How am I dishonoring you? I've got a great job on Andromeda as her engineer, and a lot of close friends. Not to mention the fact that I'm helping to restore the Systems Commonwealth. I'd be pretty proud of me if I were you." Their expressions didn't change. Sheesh! Talk about hard to please. I should have told them I won some major award and was famous galaxy-wide. Living corpses wouldn't know the difference.  
  
"You have provided us with no grandchild. Are you incapable of finding a wife and giving her a child?" This was not was I was expecting, not at all. Of all the things they could be mad at me for doing, or not doing.   
  
"I'm more than capable, thank you very much. I'm just playing the field right now, y'know?" I bit my lower lip at that. I didn't need my parents thinking I was sleeping with everyone woman I met. In fact, I hadn't been with anyone in nearly two years. It wasn't that I didn't want to be with anyone. I think the quote goes, 'I could have any woman I please, but I just don't seem to please any one woman.'  
  
"You must give us a playmate, Shay," Declan and Siobhan said in unison. Their clothes drooped off of their bodies, and they were sickly pale. This was just getting eerie, like one of those bad zombie flicks from the mid-twentieth century.  
  
"You're all dead!" I said defensively. "You don't need anyone or anything. You just need to die again." I just wished a second death on everyone I loved. Probably not a good idea. If I was dead in the first place, I'd be more than slightly upset, but if I had just had a second death wished on me, I'd be pissed off beyond belief. It was time to run away. "Well, it was nice seeing all of you again, but I think it's high time I said arriva derci!"  
  
I sprinted off into the distance, praying that I wouldn't encounter any Magog. They are merciless beasts, not to mention they have ten times the endurance and speed I do. My heart was pounding so hard that I could feel it in my throat with every step. The fear was like a sedative, pushing me towards exhaustion. I was screwed.  
  
My relatives and friends disappeared behind me as suddenly as they had appeared in front of me. I was kinda glad they were gone. That whole 'blood is thicker than water' thing is total crap. Blood isn't supposed to be out to force you to knock some girl up so you won't be 'dishonoring' them anymore. I figured since my relatives were gone that any Magog around had followed suit.   
  
It grew silent enough to cause me to totally freak out. Paranoia was definitely an understatement. I could feel creepy non-existent eyes on me wherever I turned. A soft crying from behind caused me to jump around so quickly I almost fell over. There was a bassinet holding a baby sitting there. This was now truly weird. I leaned over the small bed. The child had blue eyes, the color of mine. Its hair was strawberry blond, with streaks of darker red like Lise's hair. She also had Lise's nose. It was our child, and I was certain of that, but how? You've gotta have nine months for the pregnancy, and I never went even close to that far with Lise. It's only been a little over six months since she died.   
  
"You're our baby. But your mommy's been gone for a while now. And I'd really like to know how you got the necessary stuff from me to come into existence without me knowing about it," I said to the baby. "But, y'know, you are kinda nice and awfully cute. What's your name?" I reached down to pick up the baby.  
  
***  
  
My eyes opened into darkness, and my heart pounded in my chest. "Huh?" I groaned as I brushed the hair away from my forehead. I was tangled in sweaty sheets and burning up. I threw them onto the floor and just laid there.  
  
Footsteps were crossing my quarters. I heard them trip and mutter something that I'd only repeat if I'd welded my hand to a bulkhead or something like that. I didn't get the feeling that whoever it was was out to hurt me. I just listened, but I wanted to see who it was before they left.  
  
"I know you're there," I said without moving.  
  
"Happy birthday, Harper," Beka's voice cut through the darkness.  
  
It was my birthday, I realized. I'd forgotten it in the midst of the recovery from my disturbing dream. "Thanks, Bek."  
  
"How's your birthday been going so far?" I heard her plop down on the foot of my bed.  
  
"It's really sucked so far, and it can only get worse," I sarcastically replied.   
  
"Your sheets and bed are soaked. Been dreaming about Rommie again?" she teased.  
  
"I wish." Dreams like that didn't require thought or recovery.  
  
"You had another nightmare, didn't you?"  
  
I'd gotten really close to Beka over the past several months. Since Lise died, I had been having a lot of nightmares, just like the ones I had when I had all that information in my head from the Perseid, except they included people I knew. I told her I was having nightmares, but never went into detail. "Yeah...they're so real, Beka. Scares the hell outta me every time."  
  
"I know. Have you talked to Trance about medication yet?" She was expecting a 'no' from her tone.   
  
"No," I admitted. More than almost anything, I hated being drugged up all the time. No one could call being a numb human statue real living.  
  
"It's only two in the morning, and you usually don't get back to sleep. You need to sleep, Harper."   
  
She was right. I was majorly sleep deprived, and in about an hour, my head would feel like a bomb just went 'boom!' in it. "I'll talk to her."   
  
"I'll change your sheets while you take a hot shower and then maybe you can get back to sleep."  
  
Her offer was tempting, and it was my birthday after all. I could indulge on my birthday. "Thanks, Bek."  
  
I trudged out of my bed and into my bathroom. I carelessly tossed my boxers on the floor and turned on the shower. Being the impatient and occassionally stupid person I am, I stepped into the shower immediately and nearly froze my skin off. It felt like buckets of ice were pouring down my poor body, and I jumped back out of the shower. My foot landed on my boxers, and I slid about two feet towards the sink. I slammed my head into it and ended up on my butt on the floor. I felt the blood trickling down my forehead. My birthday was really getting off to a sucky start.  
  
"Are you okay, Harper? I heard a crash," Beka's voice said outside of the door.  
  
"I'm just fine and dandy, bleeding all over everything."   
  
"You're not all right!" The door started to open.  
  
"Stop! I don't have any clothes on!" I grabbed my now wet boxers and attempted vainly to cover myself. My body was turning as red as a beet in embarrassment.  
  
Beka's eyes were closed. "Put something on and let me make sure you're okay."  
  
I put on the wet boxers. They clung to my skin, and left little to the imagination. I was starting to get light-headed, and there was a small pool of blood forming on the floor, so I had little choice. "You can open your eyes."  
  
"That looks pretty bad." She leaned over and began examining the cut on my forehead. "Hold..." She grabbed a towel from the sink. "This on it until I get back."  
  
I took the towel and pressed it on my forehead. Beka rushed off, and I started to feel really woozy. Stupid accident proneness and immuno-deficiency. I'd just finished a two week lucky spree when absolutely nothing happened to wind me up in Med Deck. It figures it would end on my birthday after another one of those horrible nightmares. I found my head drooping towards the floor. Was I supposed to keep my head elevated or below my heart? I couldn't remember much of that first-aid crap Dylan forced me to upload into my brain at the time.  
  
"Keep your head up, Harper!" Beka commanded as she returned with some medical equipment. She kneeled and pulled the towel from my hands, elevating my head by pushing up my chin. She did something to my head, and I felt the blood stop trickling. At least I wouldn't bleed to death. She covered the wound and gave me a hypo. "Are you still feeling faint?'  
  
"Mmmm-hmmm." I tried to focus my vision, but it wasn't working very well.   
  
She began wiping my hands and arms off, getting rid of all that blood on my skin, I assumed. She stopped and turned off the shower. "It's time to get up. I'll help you." She more or less picked me and started to carry me back into my room.  
  
"And over the threshold we go. It was such a beautiful ceremony." I wondered what compelled me to say that. Probably whatever was in that hypo.   
  
"How are you feeling now?" she asked as she gently placed me in my bed.  
  
"I feel so cold now." I was shivering and felt my teeth start to clatter. Yeah, this birthday was really sucking.  
  
"Poor Harper." She slid into the bed beside me and held me. It pushed back the cold a little bit. "Don't go to sleep yet. We need to make sure this isn't something more serious."  
  
"Don't sleep...m'kay. I can do that." I rested my head on her shoulder. This would've been nice if I wasn't practically dying at two in the morning on my sucky birthday. Have I reiterated the fact that it sucked enough yet? Nah. It can't be said enough.  
  
"Let's talk...what do you want for your birthday?" She began slowly rocking me back and forth.   
  
"To live through it." I was ready to sleep again, but Beka wouldn't let me. She would keep on rocking me and making me seasick until I started believing I was on the Titanic.  
  
"You will. It's just getting off to a rocky start. I guarantee it will get better."  
  
"Do I get a stripper that pops out of a cake?"  
  
"One hasn't been hired, but if you program Rommie when Dylan's not looking..." she teased.  
  
I laughed, with sudden protest from a mother of a headache I was forming. Damn! "Rommie is safe from that...for now."  
  
"I've never liked birthdays myself. Always means you've got a year less ahead of you and yet another behind you."  
  
"Birthdays can be fun. Even this one hasn't been all bad."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah. You've made it a lot better than it could've been." I pictured how my birthday would have been without Beka there. I'd probably be dead or pretty close to it by now. Not my idea of a happy birthday.  
  
"This is your fourth birthday off of Earth."  
  
"Yeah. None of the birthdays on Earth were very good, either, 'cept maybe my fifth birthday." I smiled at the memories. Earth was hell, but that was one day I could have cared less about where I was.  
  
"What happened on your fifth birthday?"  
  
"My parents had a real birthday party for me. There was cake, presents and everything, even though Magog and Nietzcheans were outside killing and wreaking general havoc. It gave me a little hope, pushed all the crap I had to deal with to the side for a day."   
  
"My birthdays were on the Maru. I'd open presents in the airlock with my dad and Rafe, like at Christmas. It was fun in the early years, before he got the way he was in the end."  
  
"Both of our lives haven't been walks in the park. I think that's why we get along so well." I didn't usually talk like that or open up at all. The drugs in that hypo were mind-altering, I decided. And who was I to deny the drugs their effects?  
  
"You've always been my favorite from the Maru crew. Rev's only about Wayism and all that solace and pamphlet stuff gets to me after a while. And Trance, well Trance is too secretive. It makes me a little wary. Like she's hiding something we don't wanna know."  
  
"Like she's a serial murderer of the sparkly purple people."  
  
Beka laughed. "Yeah. But you...you know what it's like for normal people like us to suffer and have to go through constant hell. We aren't lucky and don't guess stuff immediately. We don't always turn to the Divine for a solution. We depend on ourselves to kick the butt of whatever's facing us."  
  
"And Dylan needs his big bad ass ship and force lances in case all that diplomacy crap doesn't work. We don't need anything, but what we've got up here." I pointed at my head, but it was a pointless gesture in the dark.  
  
"You're still alive. I think you can go to sleep now. Do you care if I stay?"  
  
"You wanna stay?" I didn't mind, but I wondered why.  
  
"I don't feel like moving right now."   
  
That answered the question. It was nice and comfy, and I didn't feel like moving either. "You can stay."  
  
I fell asleep worrying about the nightmares I would have. Some of the stuff in them really didn't need to be overheard by Beka, but she was a heavy sleeper. It would be all right, I eventually concluded.  
  
***  
  
I woke up in a calm state, feeling pretty good. I realized that I hadn't been dreaming. Wow! This was the first sleep I had without nightmares in a long time. I noticed the smell of a light perfume. I moved my arm across the bed. It ran into a body. I felt soft hair that reached to a little below shoulder level. Beka. I remembered going to sleep with her there. I wasn't tired so I just laid there. I heard a soft grumble that developed into a snore. Beka was snoring and not just a little bit of snoring. This was growling giant bear fat man snoring! I found it laughable for some reason that Beka snored, but stifled my laughter. She rolled over and hit my face. That woman was powerful even in her sleep. I rubbed my jaw and tried to stay still otherwise. She rolled again and found me, clutching me like a teddy bear. I could've sworn my insides were going to be squeezed out of me like toothpaste out of a toothpaste tube.   
  
"Snookums," she mumbled in her sleep.  
  
Snookums? I wondered who this Snookums was. I could handle being squished in her lock of death if she'd tell me more. Blackmail can be so sweet.  
  
"Don't stop." She sounded happy. I had a feeling this was gonna be good. "You're the best...I love you."  
  
Very happy indeed. This Snookums would be the best blackmail.  
  
"Huh?" She was awake. "Why am I holding you...Harper?"  
  
"Snookums?" I asked.  
  
"How do you know about my teddy bear? 'Course. I was just dreaming about him. And my dad," she said groggily.  
  
"I thought Snookums was your lover."  
  
Beka laughed. "Speaking of dreaming, did you have any nightmares?"  
  
"I slept really well for like the first time in months. My birthday doesn't suck as much now."  
  
"And it can only get better. How are you feeling?" She sat up and turned on the lava lamp beside my bed. A glow of red was cast over the area. Beka looked like a devil woman in the light. Very evil.  
  
"As evil as you look." I grinned. I felt like breaking some rules. I'd been behaving since I'd been on Andromeda. But it was my birthday. I could indulge.   
  
"What are you thinking? I know that grin. It's your 'Harper's-about-to-do-something-very-bad' grin." She sounded like the first officer she was. Like she wanted to stop me.  
  
"No, I'm your perfect angel right now. See the halo?" I drew a circle around my head with my finger.  
  
"Awwww...you don't want me to play your game, too?" she asked with mocked disappointment.  
  
Of course I wanted her to play my game. It wasn't a one person game. "Promise you won't tell Dylan?"  
  
"Promise. Now tell me what you've got in mind."  
  
I laughed and gave her the details of my grand plan.  
  
***  
  
A scoop of mashed potatoes flew across Hydroponics and slammed into the wall of my food container fort. I returned fire with a sling shot of apple sauce. It was an all out food war between myself and General Valentine amongst the plants of Hydroponics. It was my grand plan and more fun than I imagined. A fleet of wet grapes hit me as they flew over my fort wall. This was war! Well, even more war than it had been before.  
  
I snuck around my fort and into the forest, lemon meringue pie in hand. I would have my revenge. I saw a form through the dense foliage. Actually, a tree, but it looked like dense foliage. I slammed the pie into her unsuspecting face.  
  
"That is what I call revenge!" I exclaimed.  
  
Beka stepped out from behind her fort. I hadn't pied Beka after all. But if this wasn't Beka...  
  
"Mister Harper," Dylan said as he wiped the pie off of his face.  
  
Oh crap. Crap, crap, crap. "Uhhhh...I didn't mean to hit you. Please don't hurt me."  
  
"Why are you heaving food around Hydroponics?" he asked sternly.  
  
"It seemed like a good idea when I thought it up?" I offered.  
  
"You know what I think, Mister Harper?"  
  
"No, but you're gonna tell me now."  
  
"I think that..." He rubbed a large handful of the pie in my face. "This war has just begun."  
  
"Welcome to the battle, General Hunt!" I laughed and picked up some of the mashed potatoes that had been earlier thrown from the floor. I heaved them at Beka. She threw a handful of chocolate pudding at me, but I ducked. It hit Dylan on his lower face. I fell down on the floor laughing. He looked like a messy Abraham Lincoln with his chocolate pudding beard!  
  
"Victory is mine!" Beka held two spray whip cream cans. I was laughing too hard to fight back, so she pretty well creamed me with the cream. Dylan got it good, too. Beka had definitely attained victory. This time.  
  
"I didn't tell you happy birthday earlier, Harper. Happy birthday!" Dylan said as he wiped the whip cream, pudding and pie off of his face.  
  
"Thanks, Boss." My birthday was getting better. Beka was right. A rocky start made it feel really good.  
  
"I think we could all use a shower after we send the droids to clean this up," Beka said.   
  
"You've gotta love droids. Never have to clean up your own messes." I smiled as we exited Hydroponics.  
  
"I'll come with you, Harper, in case you have another shower accident," Beka said.  
  
"Shower accident?" Dylan seemed very curious.  
  
I blushed. The entire ship didn't have to know about it. It could have been something between Beka and me. The excess whip cream and other food had been covering the wound's bandage so it wasn't noticeable. "I kinda fell down and cut my head open."  
  
"Are you okay?" He was concerned, not what I expected. I expected some snide remark.  
  
"Yeah. I'm fine now."   
  
We reached Dylan's quarters and parted ways with him. Now it was just Beka and me again.  
  
"You didn't have to tell him that, Bek. It's kinda embarrassing, y'know?"  
  
"I know. Torturing you is always fun, though."  
  
"I'm glad at least one of us enjoys it." Actually, both of us enjoyed it to some degree, not that I'd ever admit to that. I liked the unpredictability of it all, never knowing what she'd say next. There was never a dull moment with Beka Valentine around, that's for sure.  
  
We entered my quarters, and I found a bin to put my food-soaked clothes in. Beka waited outside of the door while I went into my bathroom and threw my clothes into the bin. I turned on the water. I wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. I waited patiently for the water to heat up. It did, and I stepped into the shower. There was a lot of food in my hair, I realized when I saw the pieces of it washing down the drain.   
  
"Are you okay, Harper?" Beka's voice asked from outside.  
  
"Yup." I cleaned all of the food off of myself and turned off the water. That felt much better than the complete and utter stickiness I had on me before.  
  
"Still okay?" Beka asked as I was drying myself off.  
  
"I'm still just fine. I'll be done in a minute." I wiped the steam off of the mirror and wrapped the towel around my waist. I walked out into my quarters.  
  
Beka had a camera and snapped a few pictures before I had a chance to react.  
  
"Give me that camera! I'm not kidding Bek!" I chased her around the room.  
  
"Nope. My camera, my pics. I think I'll be going now!" She ran out the door. She knew I wouldn't be willing to chase her around the ship in a towel.  
  
I sighed and quickly got dressed. Talk about blackmail. Snookums was nothing compared to this. She could send those pics out galaxy-wide easily! I didn't want my half-naked body to be seen by weird and messed up total strangers. Not just half-naked. Probably digitally engineered to remove the towel and enhance certain attributes. I could hear it all in my mind. 'Welcome back to Lifestyles of the Weird and Freaky. Our next story is about the young former Andromeda engineer turned into a porn god. He's the adored sex object of many, from perverted Perseids to naughty Nietzcheans. As he acquired numerous followers, he went into hiding and was last seen lurking around a mental health clinic on Infinity Atoll.'  
  
"I've gotta get those pics from Beka!" I exclaimed, nothing short of petrified by the thought of being driven into one of the homes of the wacked out and the antisocial disorder freaks. "Rommie, where's Beka?"   
  
"She has engaged privacy mode, so I'm not allowed to tell you." Rommie's hologram appeared in front of me.  
  
"My life is on the line here, and you can't tell me where she is?!? You're a big help sometimes, Rom-doll!" I started pacing around my quarters.  
  
"When she disengages privacy mode, I'll tell you," Rommie offered.  
  
At least she was trying to help. "Thanks, Rom."   
  
Her hologram flickered out, and I began pacing my quarters. I had to think like Beka to know where Beka was. 'I'm Beka Valentine. I like flying the ship and kicking butt.' Like that was helping me. Well, if at first you don't succeed... 'If I were Beka, where would I go that Harper wouldn't think of going?' Crap. This was just getting too confusing. I plopped down on the foot of my bed in defeat. Damn that woman. Even though she was my best friend.  
  
"Harper...if you want my pics, then I suggest you come to Hydroponics in fifteen minutes, no sooner," Beka's voice said over the communications system.  
  
"I want what's rightfully mine," I mumbled. "My body, my pics. I should install a spy cam in your quarters and see how you like it."  
  
I exited my quarters and slowly walked down towards Hydroponics. My sweet revenge was being plotted, becoming clearer each and every second. Muahahaha! I can be so evil sometimes. I walked up to the Hydroponics door and began counting down the seconds. 20...19... I would definitely have to tackle her. All that working out to impress Tyr after he kicked my butt in sparring once would pay off. 14...13... But first I would incinerate the pics with my nanowelder. Made to cut though hull decks. Burn the pics and then burn the ashes just to be sure. 9...8.... I still had leftovers from the food fight hidden around Hydroponics. Making a Beka sundae after the grand burning and tackling might be fun. 5...4... The evil plans continued flowing until I hit the zero mark. 'Here goes nothing!' I thought.  
  
I walked into a pitch black Hydroponics. "SURPRISE!" came a scream from behind the plants as the lights turned on. It felt like my heart had fallen out onto the floor, and I must've jumped a mile high.  
  
"Happy birthday, Harper!" Trance happily said as she gave me a big hug.  
  
"You're even wearing the party hats and have the party horns. You sure know how to make a guy feel loved." I smiled, but the pictures were at top of the back of my mind. I walked over to Beka. "Hey, Bek, what about those pics?"  
  
"The camera was empty. I just turned the flash on. I got ya good, didn't I?" she laughed.  
  
"You got me good," I admitted. She really had me believing all that. I'd have to tell her about Lifestyles of the Weird and Freaky later.  
  
Dylan carried out a large cake with a hilarious cartoon version of me in icing on it. "Happy birthday, Harper."  
  
"We have to sing!" Trance said.  
  
They all sang the happy birthday song after the candles on the cake were lit. I blew out all twenty-four with a little help. It's easy to blow out five candles, not almost five squared. The cake was cut and eaten, and we all enjoyed talking about everyone else's birthdays. I got the presents I already knew about, which reminded me of Lise again. I still wasn't sure what to do about all that, but it wasn't like I had a way to do it, even if I wanted to.  
  
"You seem to be unhappy, Harper," Rev pointed out while everyone else was reminiscing about their own birthdays.  
  
"Ummm...yeah, a little bit. But it's not because of the party or anything. This is great. It's just..." I began rambling. I always got that way when I talked about Lise.  
  
"Lise?"   
  
"Yeah. It's times like this that I miss her the most."  
  
"With great joy always comes great sorrow. Let the Divine take your pain. Enjoy the memories you do have."  
  
"You're right." With all the things Rev didn't have going for him, like him being a Magog, he did know how to comfort someone. All that solace stuff wasn't total crap.  
  
The party was winding down and finally ended. Everyone had left, except for Beka and me.   
  
"I'll help you take everything to your quarters." She picked up one of the boxes with presents inside of it, and I took the other. We were both pretty quiet on the way to my quarters. Lise was occupying all my thoughts, and Beka had been quiet most of the night, really thoughtful, too.  
  
"Well, I guess I'll see ya later, Bek. Thanks for the party and everything."  
  
"Do you mind if I stop by later tonight? There's something I want to talk to you about..." She looked a little uncomfortable, like she was almost afraid to ask. Hell, she knew she could barge into my quarters in the middle of the night without explaining herself without me really minding, like she did last night.  
  
"'Course you can stop by. Any time you like. It's not like I sleep a lot or anything like that anyways."   
  
Beka nodded and hurried off. Something was bothering her, and I wanted to know what it was. Well, she said she'd stop by later, so I figured I'd find out then. I pushed the boxes towards an open spot by a wall and started going through my presents, but my concern and most of my thoughts remained on Beka. 


	2. Chapter 2: Harper

Author's Note: Chapter 3 is better than this one, I promise. I've tried to fix this up, but I still don't think it's good, just to warn you. And my attempts to italicize text with HTML have shown up on my comp half the time, so I'll leave them. Any text with i/i around it should be italicized. I think that's all. On with Chapter 2!  
  
  
'Patience is a virtue.' Rev has told me that a million times, and it is still a bunch of crap. Patient people sit around and do nothing all day waiting for whatever they want. I took action and got what I wanted a lot faster. Except when I waited for Beka. Pushing her was a bad idea, especially after that whole flash thing. She'd been clean for a long time, but there was still the need. It was always there, pushing at the back of your mind. I knew that need better than anyone else on the crew would ever know.   
  
Boredom was driving me off the walls. I even started cleaning up my room that looked like a disaster area. I picked up a photo album from near my night stand. I plopped down on my bed and opened it. Declan, Siobhan, myself and a couple of other relatives stared at me from the page. I was only about eleven, maybe twelve in the picture. It was one of the few things I'd taken with me when I left Earth. I turned the page. This time it was a picture of my early times on the Maru. Beka and I were on a beach on Infinity Atoll. The pages all held memories leading up to today. The last page was the single picture of Lise I had. I bit my lip and closed the album, putting it deep in my nightstand drawer. Not something I really felt like looking at.   
  
"Let's see, Harper. What is there to do now?" I asked myself. I came up with absolutely nothing. "Y'know you're pretty slow sometimes for being a freakin' genius. There's gotta be something I can do...music! Rommie, play Harper selection number...38, whatever that is."  
  
Drive by Incubus began playing. I hadn't heard it in a while, just a random number I had blurted out. I leaned back on my bed and listened to the lyrics.   
  
Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear  
And I can't help but ask how much I'll let the fear of uncertainty take the wheel and steer  
It's driven me before  
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal  
But lately, I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel  
  
Weirdness alert. That's exactly how I'd been feeling for months on end. I let the fear of uncertainty take control of my life, keep me from doing everything I wanted to do. Everything I knew I needed to do...   
  
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there  
With open arms and open eyes  
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there   
I'll be there  
  
I shouldn't fear the future, the consequences of what I've gotta do. I'll be there whatever happens. Things are sometimes bad, but they always get better. They even turn out for the best sometimes...  
  
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive  
Will I choose water over wine   
And hold my own and drive  
It's driven me before   
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around  
Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself   
My light is found  
  
Yeah. This driving yourself and light thing was definitely important. Even though it did sound like some stupid Wayist thing Rev would tell me when I was doing some major soul searching...  
  
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there   
With open arms and open eyes  
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there  
I'll be there  
Would you choose water over wine  
Hold the wheel and drive  
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there   
With open arms and open eyes  
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there  
I'll be there  
  
The song got me really thinking. About some things I wasn't ready to face yet. Things I didn't know if I'd ever be able to face. The quickest escape I found was cleaning. I cleaned like I never cleaned before for hours, even dusted and organized shelves. There inevitably ended up being absolutely nothing else left to clean. I was left a total mess, quite the contrary to my quarters themselves, pacing and mumbling to myself like some psychotic weirdo.   
  
My mind began wondering back to the pain, and I pushed it away. It was my birthday, and I didn't need this crap. I wondered when Beka would arrive and decided it would have to be soon. I hurried off to Hydroponics. I picked her a nice boquet of roses, irises, daffodils and other pretty flowers. Yes, Beka would like the pretty flowers. No woman didn't like flowers, except maybe Elsbett, but she wasn't a woman. She was iall/i Nietzchean. I returned to my quarters and grabbed the long vase off of a shelf that I had found during my cleaning spree. I filled it with water and put the flowers in it. There was nothing to do, but I couldn't let my mind succumb. I glanced around my quarters at the furniture. It needed some rearranging. I could do that.   
  
"Let's see now. I could use the folding table in my closet in the middle of the room as a small dining table and put the flowers on it. And move my bureau over there to the wall by my bathroom. And all of the shelves should go along the back wall by my closet. Then, I'll have a lot more walking space." I pushed all the furniture to its new location. Combined with the strange neatness of the room, it looked like my quarters belonged to a woman. All I needed now were fake flowers and pink lace doilies everywhere.  
  
The door chime rang. I hurried over to the door. It was Beka, as I had expected. "Oh, hi, Beka! I got you some flowers." I grabbed the vase and handed it to her.  
  
"Oh my god. What did you do with Harper?" she asked, obviously in shock.  
  
"I just decided to clean and rearrange everything. Y'know make a change."   
  
Her eyes narrowed. "You're a nervous wreck. What happened?"  
  
"Oh, I'm just fine. Nothing happened," I lied. I couldn't hide the fact that I was freaking out from anyone.   
  
"You look like you could use something to drink," she commented.  
  
"Yeah. Good idea! I'll go get us something. What do you want?"   
  
"A beer."  
  
"Can do. I think I'm gonna have some of this tea stuff Rev gave me. He said Wayists drink it when they meditate. Whatever it's made of, it's supposed to 'separate the mind and body' or something like that." I grabbed a beer and poured some of the greenish powder into a cup of hot water. It looked really gross, and I wasn't sure if I would be willing to actually drink it once it was stirred up.   
  
Beka sat down on my bed. "It's so weird in here without the huge mess."  
  
I handed her the beer and stirred my tea some more. "Yeah. I kinda miss the mess, actually." The thoughts began to return. I took a sip of the tea and about spit it out everywhere. It tasted like mud and grass. Even grosser than I had initially expected.  
  
"Is that tea any good? It smells like a bog." She crinkled her nose as she looked at it.   
  
"Tastes even worse than a bog. Absolutely disgusting," I said as I downed the rest of it in a big gulp. I hoped it would be worth it, chase away everything pulsating through my mind. My body immediately started relaxing, and my mind, too. It felt like I was floating. Very good. Definitely worth the taste.  
  
"Each to his own. Your birthday's almost over."  
  
"Got another hour." My mind started nagging me about what Beka had come here to talk about, her tone when she asked about dropping by.   
  
"Did you get everything you wanted?" She was leading to something. I could just feel it.  
  
"Yeah. The presents were all good."   
  
"Other than the rocky start, was there anything bad about it?" Definitely leading to something.  
  
"Not really." I wondered how long it would take to get it out of her.  
  
"I suck at all this indirect leading into what I wanna say."   
  
'You read my mind,' I thought. "What are you trying to say?"  
  
"I have something else that I'm willing to give you. We were both very fond of Lise, and I know that you found that data rod in Med Deck recently...I found it right after you mentioned four dash seventeen to me for the first time. If you want to have her child, I'm willing to be the surrogate mother."  
  
Everyhing my thoughts had been forcing on me. Everything I had been running from. Oh my god. This wasn't what I was expecting. I wouldn't cry in front of her. Chicks always cry when guys cry. I wouldn't show her my pain. I wouldn't tell her about the wounds she had just ripped open. But I didn't know what I would do, for that matter. Babies are a big responsibility. I'm as immature and childish as they come. Beka told me that herself. How does a 'kid' take care of a baby, be a good daddy? Not that I didn't want to be one. Because somewhere in me, there was a paternal instinct. Somewhere in me believed that this baby would make everything that hurt about Lise stop hurting. Somewhere in me, there was a need for this. More than a need even, something there is no word for...   
  
"Harper?" Beka asked.  
  
"Wow..." I half-whispered.   
  
"I'm sorry. It was a bad idea that I even brought this up."  
  
Incubus began forcing its way into my mind. 'You must drive and take control. You must obey the part of you that wants that baby.' I had no choice but to listen to it. "No, it wasn't a bad idea. Just a little bit of a shock for me."  
  
"I didn't mean right now, either. Whenever you're ready for this."  
  
Funny thing was I did feel ready. Not just because of Incubus and all that, either. I blamed the Wayist tea. Wayist acted drugged up when they meditated, and I had proof of it. I felt drugged up. "That is such a generous gift to give. You've really thought about it?"  
  
"Yeah. Ever since I found the data rod myself. And I know this is something I want to do," she assured me. Assurance I didn't want. I wanted her to tell me that she was wrong, and that children are a bad thing for guys like me.  
  
"I think this is a now thing. I don't wanna be like fifty when my kid's just finishing growing up." Incubus was screaming in my mind, speaking for me. Ironic how a song about taking control yourself was taking control.   
  
"We'll talk to everyone tomorrow," Beka said.  
  
"Talk to everyone? Isn't this just something between the two of us? I mean won't they be trying to stop us because they think children don't belong out in space or something?" I was afraid. Not just afraid--terrified. Terrified at what my mind was doing to me. Terrified that I was accepting it, even agreeing with it. Who in the hell was I becoming? This sure wasn't the Seamus Harper I knew.  
  
"I don't know, to be honest. But I think they'll trust our judgment." There she went with that assurance thing again. It had to die.   
  
"What if they don't...then what?" I wanted to fight it to the end. No more assurances.   
  
"Well, there's always the Maru. It is my ship, and we got along fine on it before..." Nothing killed it. It was maternal or something like that.  
  
"No, I wouldn't do that to you. You like it here a lot. And I do, too." Dylan hadn't liked children since our little incident with them. Maybe I could bring that up.  
  
"You're getting ahead of yourself. We should just take it one step at a time." I was beginning to let the assurances coax me into a false sense of security. But I liked it. Wouldn't fight it anymore. The fear still lingered, though.  
  
"You're right. Should we tell the whole crew or just Dylan?"   
  
"Just Dylan to start out with. He's the one that ultimately makes decisions like this."  
  
"Are you scared, Beka?" I needed to know that it wasn't just me.  
  
She was silent for a moment before finally admitting, "A little bit."  
  
"There's gonna be so much to think about...but I need to take it one step at a time, as you said." My mind was racing with questions that even the assurances didn't calm. It felt like an entire rush hour of traffic was playing bumper cars in there.   
  
"We both need to take it one step at a time." She seemed to be reminding herself not to be like me.  
  
"This means a lot to me, Rebecca. Thank you. You really are a true blue best friend." I gave her a long hug. She said nothing, and I respected her silence. This was all so overwhelming.  
  
"You are, too, Seamus...you are, too," she finally said, her voice barely above a whisper.   
  
It calmed my racing mind, the fears towards what might happen, everything that was going through me--even Incubus. It left me still wanting this child, though. It was all that needed to be said, like that last line at the end of a long drama. A part of me wanted to cry and then turn the television off, but this was real. And it was only the beginning...  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3: Harper

Author's Note: A great big thank you to NorthernStar for beta reading this!  
  
  
The assurances, Incubus, the bulk of my insanity had been buried in a long night of alcohol. Neither Beka or myself got any sleep. We just talked. I couldn't remember exactly what had been said, but whatever it was had put my demons to rest. For the time being at least. I started feeling a little more like the Seamus Harper I knew. That was good. He and whatever else I was were both accepting the possibility of this child. Even though the Seamus Harper I knew still couldn't hear his name and father in the same sentence. I would have nine months to prepare for that, if it did happen, though. And to prepare for single parenting, which seemed more daunting than anything. It didn't seem right for a kid not to have a mom and have a dad like the one I'd probably be.   
  
I wondered what Beka would do once the baby was born. Would she consider her part of this to be completely finished? She hadn't ever seemed too keen on being around kids, especially little ones. But if it came from inside of her, wouldn't she feel at least a little attachment to it? And if she felt attached to it, then maybe she would help me for a while with all the baby stuff I know nothing about. Plus, I wanted my baby to at least have a woman around sometimes as a maternal figure.   
  
"What's wrong, Harper?" Beka interrupted my thoughts.  
  
"Nothin', just thinking about everything. Trying to figure out a lot of it." I wouldn't bring up her role in the baby's life until we knew more about the procedure and everything.   
  
"Me too. I don't know what we should say to Dylan. Valentine-ology isn't gonna help this time...are you okay, Harper?"   
  
I smiled at that, imagining her using a good dose of Valentine-ology to convince Dylan to let us do this. He would probably kick us both off of Andromeda. "Yeah, I'm fine, Bek. I've just got a hangover, that's all," I lied. No, I wasn't okay. Was I supposed to be? I decided the answer to that was a definite no. "And as for Dylan, we should be honest. He always likes that."  
  
"I'm going to go change my clothes. I'll meet you on Command Deck in fifteen minutes." Beka started to exit my quarters.  
  
"Wait, Bek!" She turned back around. "Maybe we should learn a little more about all this stuff before we ask him."  
  
She nodded. "Then, you can do whatever you need to do in Engineering. And we can have lunch together. I'll find some info before then."  
  
This was the first time in hours and hours that I had been by myself. I was starting to think I had become an appendage of Beka or something. Not that that was a completely bad thing. She was usually cool to hang out with, but I do need my space.   
  
I glanced down at the clothes I had been wearing since yesterday. It was time to change them. "What should I wear today?" I had my general collection of Hawaiian shirts and colorful matching pants, darker shirts and matching pants, or stuff I never wore to choose from. I'd been wearing a lot of Hawaiian lately, so I chose a black shirt t-shirt and matching pants.   
  
I went over to my mirror and looked at myself in it. I definitely needed to fix my hair. I combed it out and put more gel in it. I got it looking normal. I glanced down at the stuff on my vanity. Beka had given me some cologne at the party. I didn't usually wear the stuff, but I put some on anyway. I couldn't smell it myself. Weird.   
  
I left my quarters and headed towards engineering when I bumped into Dylan.  
  
"Good morning, Harper," Dylan said.  
  
"Mornin' Boss." I had to remember to breathe. Breathing is good--keeps you from passing out and embarrassing the hell out of yourself.  
  
"Did you enjoy your birthday party yesterday?"  
  
"Yeah, it was a blast. Thanks for that bottle of vodka, Dylan."   
  
"You're welcome," Dylan said. "By the way, Rommie's got a new job for you. You can talk to her about it."  
  
"I'll go talk to her now." We parted ways at last. I hoped things wouldn't be this uncomfortable around him again.  
  
I found Rommie's avatar in my main Machine Shop, waiting for me. "So, what's this new job you have for me, Rommie?"  
  
"I just need to you to upgrade my droids again. There have been some slight malfunctions lately in the droid coordination," she said.  
  
"Ah. That'll be no big deal. I'll get rid of the bugs, and maybe add some new features." I used the console to summon one of the droids to the Machine Shop as my prototype.  
  
The droid entered my Machine Shop and stopped when it reached us. I deactivated it and started some preliminary scans to see what was causing the malfunctions, which took a while to finish. Some subroutines had gone into overdrive, and it was easy to correct. It was time to play around with the new features I'd been thinking about.   
  
"Rommie, we need to make the droids look big and bad, real scary. Scary enough to make intruders think twice about lurking around before we catch 'em," I said.  
  
"Or to scare someone like Trance who is innocently walking down the corridor to Hydroponics?"  
  
"You've got a point there." I also didn't like the thought of my kid seeing a big scary 'monster' and being scarred for life because of it. Droids are all over Andromeda and almost impossible to avoid. "Anything you'd like to change in the droids while I'm here?"  
  
"They are functional and in satisfactory condition. Unlike you, I don't need to change everything constantly and integrate new technology into my life."  
  
"Variety and change are the spice of life. It gets boring if you keep things the same for too long."   
  
"You're finished here and free to go to lunch now."  
  
"Lunch? It's not that late, is it?"   
  
"It's 12:47 hours, Harper."  
  
"Crap! I'm already half an hour late!"   
  
I hurried down to Mess Deck, but Beka wasn't there. I assumed I'd completely missed lunch and just headed to my quarters. I found Beka sprawled out on my bed, a tray of food by her side, reading a flexi.   
  
"You're late, Harper," she said as she continued reading. "Just be sure you're in the delivery room on time. I can't wait for you there." She said that with a little bit of a harsh tone, like I was completely irresponsible for being forty-five minutes late for lunch. She didn't even bother to ask what had kept me from being on time. She paused for a moment, glancing back down at the flexi. "Did you know that the use of surrogates has dropped 40% over the past twenty years? And most surrogates now are paid the equivalent of half a million thrones for what they do?"  
  
"Whoa. I knew it cost a lot, but that much?" Half a million thrones could buy a small freighter. Or a lifetime's supply of building materials for my engineering projects.  
  
"89.8% of people that request surrogates are married couples, and three fourths of what remains are single women who can't carry children. You fall into a small percentage." She held her fingers so close together to illustrate how small the percentage was.  
  
"Where did you get all that info?" Beka had never been a store house of knowledge before. It was kinda weird that she knew so much.  
  
"Andromeda's archives. I got some about the procedure, too. It's a little bit dangerous."  
  
"How is it dangerous?" I thought it was just like a regular pregnancy. Obviously not.  
  
"Even if the blood types are compatible, my body could still reject the embryo. And that could cause some damage."  
  
"Reject it? You mean you can't just put it in any woman that comes along?"   
  
"No, there's a lot of testing that has to be done first. And the anti-rejection drugs don't work in all cases."  
  
"Oh. So you know pretty much everything about surrogacy?"  
  
"Pretty much. We'll need to read up on infant care, too. Make sure you know what you're getting yourself into."  
  
I noticed fifteen or so flexis on my nightstand. "I assume that those flexis on my nightstand are on that?"   
  
"Yeah." She handed me one.  
  
"There can't be this much to taking care of a baby, can there? I mean you feed it, change it and let it sleep. What more is there to life for a baby?"  
  
"That pretty much sums it up." Beka picked up a flexi and started reading it.   
  
I picked up another one myself and skimmed over the first paragraph. "This is a sample schedule for a day with a baby. Up at all hours crying and sleeping only when you're up doing something else."  
  
"You still want to go through with this, Harper?" Beka asked as she was reading one of the flexis.  
  
"Do you?" I wouldn't ever force her to do anything she wasn't totally sure about.  
  
"Yeah. But we're talking about a major committment here. One that can't be broken."  
  
"Speaking of a major committment," I began. I wanted to know what was going to happen after the baby was born, and that seemed as good of a time as any. "What's going to happen after the baby's born?"  
  
"What do you mean?" she asked.  
  
"I mean...are you going to just carry the baby, or are you going to help me take care of it?"  
  
She paused in her reading and stared at me for a moment. "I knew you'd eventually ask that. We do spend a lot of time together anyway, so I can help if you want me to."  
  
I just nodded. She didn't really answer my question, then again I didn't really ask what I was thinking. We were both quiet for a long time. She was immersed in her reading, and I was immersed in watching her, wondering what was going through her mind. She eventually noticed and got a worried look on her face.  
  
"Is everything okay, Bek?" I asked, moving a bit closer to her.  
  
"I don't know, Harper. I'm not sure if it is or not." She pushed me away and stared at the floor.   
  
"I know the baby will be fine. Trust me on that. I know I usu-"  
  
"It's not that," she interrupted.  
  
"What's wrong?" I couldn't figure out what was bothering her if it wasn't this. Maybe it was something really personal like my dreams. That made sense. It took me a whole month just to admit I was having the nightmares. Or maybe it was just the fact that she was a woman, and I was never gonna understand her or any of them.  
  
"I don't think it's best for me to talk about it. And we need to finish reading the flexis." She immediately grabbed one. But I could tell she wasn't really reading.   
  
"Y'know it helps if you hold the flexi right side up." I turned it around for her and smiled.  
  
"Why does this have to be so difficult?" she whispered to herself.  
  
"I don't know what's bothering you so much, but I'm here for you." I hugged her, refusing to let her push me away when she tried to.  
  
"I can't stay here anymore. Let me go!" She tried harder to push me away, but I held on. It wasn't healthy for her to do this. She'd really messed herself up before when she was like this. I'd been there and done that too many times myself.  
  
"Just let it out, Rebecca." She eventually quit fighting me. And it was a good thing, too. I didn't know how much longer I could keep fighting back. She didn't cry, but I could tell she wanted to. Needed to. I spent the entire time wondering who or what had done this to her. I wanted to get rid of it. She of all people didn't deserve to feel like that. I didn't know how much time had passed, but my arms were starting to fall asleep. "Do you feel any better?"  
  
She looked into my eyes and shook her head. "I can't do what might make me feel better."  
  
"Why not?" My thoughts immediately drifted to her flash addiction.  
  
"Because...it wouldn't be right for me to do it." That fit flash.  
  
"Why wouldn't it be right?"   
  
"It might lead to a lot of people being hurt in the long run." Flash could do that, too.  
  
I decided to tell her I knew. "If you're having a problem with flash again, then you need to talk about it."  
  
She weakly laughed. "It's not flash, Seamus." She hardly ever called me Seamus. Only when she wanted to get me back in line or tease me. But that wasn't her tone. It was something else...  
  
"Well, then, if you can tell anyone about your problem, it's me. You know you can trust me. I won't tell anyone."  
  
"Promise?" she asked.  
  
"'Course I do." I offered her another small smile for comfort. Whatever it was she had going on, we could deal with it.  
  
  
Author's Note: Chapter 4 coming as soon as I finish it, probably in the next couple of weeks (due to a lack of inspiration for this combined with a surplus of inspiration to write other ficlets) 


	4. Chapter 4: Beka

Author's Note: Thank you again to NorthernStar for beta reading this chapter :)  
  
  
Those blue eyes of his were just begging me to pour my heart out. 'Of course you promise you won't tell anyone!' I thought. 'You don't know what's been eating at me for the past few months. You think it's flash or something completely deviating from everything that's been happening.'  
  
"Bek?" he asked, interrupting my thoughts.  
  
"I've gotta go," I said as I hopped up off his bed. I didn't have an excuse as to where I needed to go or why, but I didn't need one. I could run a lot faster than he could.  
  
"Wait!" I heard him start following me and sprinted all the way to my quarters.   
  
I couldn't take it anymore, or I wouldn't have left him there like that. Crying in front of people violates my basic principles. I wished he'd just open his eyes and see what was going on. Why does he have to be so damn blind sometimes?  
  
On the subject of violating my principles, me almost telling him outright what was wrong also violated them. Some things are meant to be kept secret. They only ruin your life if they leave your mind. I was almost certain that was one of those things. I could handle it driving me insane the way it was, right? Most of me wasn't really sure about that.  
  
The emotional tides turned, and I started pacing my quarters angrily. "You're the freaking genius! Why do you think I'd offer to carry your kid? It's sure as hell not to keep your stupid delusions about Lise alive! Look in front of your face for once and see what's there!"  
  
Adrenalin was rushing through my body at top speed. There was no one around for me to fight or scream at to get rid of all the energy, so I went down to the gym. I headed straight for the pull-up bar. Ten or fifteen consecutive pull-ups usually killed my energy burst and calmed me down. I did twenty without even a hint of the usual burning in my biceps or any of the frustration and anger disappearing. If anything, it was feeding it.   
  
"Beka, I would not recommend continuing. You aren't properly conditioned for it." Tyr's voice came from behind me.  
  
"I'm fine, Tyr," I snapped and continued doing pull-ups.  
  
"If you damage your tendons or muscles, you will not be capable of slipstream piloting," he added.  
  
I lived for slipstream piloting and being in control. Hell would freeze over before I let something stop me. Especially something this pointless. "Fine." I dropped to the floor and turned around to face him, my hands on my hips.  
  
"You should use your anger for more productive activities." He stood still, watching me like I was some sort of freak.  
  
"I'll do what I damn well please!" I pushed past him, but he grabbed my shoulder.   
  
"Talk to him, Beka," he said.  
  
How did he know about this? Talk about something feeding my anger. "Were you spying on me?!?"  
  
"No, I saw you storm out of his quarters from the end of the corridor and assumed I would find you here. For over a month, you have been tormenting yourself, and it has only escalated. That has been reflected on in your performance of your duties." I saw concern in his eyes.  
  
"I'm shocked you actually care about someone's survival other than your own." It was a low hit, and I knew that.   
  
"Your survival affects mine. You are a vital component of this crew and not just my own survival." He compliments me when I insult him. Definitely a first.  
  
"I have other places I need to be." I tried to pull my shoulder from his grasp, but it was firm.  
  
"You will first swear that you will speak with him." His eyes narrowed at me.  
  
"I swear. Now let me go!"   
  
The second his grip on me loosened, I was out of there. I wasn't in the mood to deal with a Nietzchean. I wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone for that matter. Being pissed off and full of energy is a bad combination for me. My only haven on Andromeda other than my quarters, where I was sure Tyr would be waiting, was the Maru.  
  
I walked across the Hangar Deck and onto the Maru. I set all of the exterior locks and plopped down in the slipstream piloting seat. Finally, I would be left completely alone. It would take a couple of strategically placed bombs to break through the locks. Before ten seconds had passed, I felt the need to move and started fidgeting. Sitting wasn't working for me.   
  
I hopped up and paced the command center. I felt like I was on flash again, but I hadn't even gone within a mile of the stuff since that incident several months ago. I needed to look in a mirror, just to be sure, though. I found one in my Maru quarters and stared into my eyes. Light blue as usual. Somehow, it surprised me. I wanted to blame something for all this, except for the only person I could honestly blame--myself.   
  
"Blame Harper. It's his fault after all," I muttered. But I couldn't really blame him for anything, except for trying in his own misguided way to help me.  
  
He'd been there for me, and the rest of the Maru's original crew, since day one when I rescued him off that forsaken planet in the middle of the Milky Way. We would have been toast if he hadn't fixed the slipstream drive. I didn't think that scrawny little mudfoot he was knew a sautering wand from a force lance, but he definitely proved me wrong. And he kept proving me wrong when I doubted him. I guess my problem started when I stopped doubting him.  
  
Then, Lise Bennett appears out of thin air, almost literally. I don't usually like kids, but that girl had something special that made her different, other than the fact that she was three thousand years old. Something I had when I was her age. Harper falls head over heels in love, not just his usual girl in a bar thing. I get taken along for most of their wild ride. Lise dies. Don't get me wrong, it did hurt me to see her die so young without having the chance to do something with her life. But Harper wound up more messed up than he was when I found him on Earth. I couldn't just let him slowly deteriorate into nothing. After all, I am his captain and his friend.  
  
Six months later, I've never let anyone this close to me in my life. Not even my dad or Rafe. I have told Harper things my own mind wouldn't even admit happened before. We spend almost every free second together. We even went on vacation together on Infinity Atoll when Harper went back for a second surfing competition. The beach isn't my general scene, but I did have more fun on those four days than I had in all of my time aboard Andromeda.   
  
No one has ever been able to make me so happy without causing me to get suspicious over it and eventually wind up even unhappier than before. He had given me so much. And I knew he'd been going through hell over Lise. I'd never seen him as happy as he was with her, or as depressed as he was after he lost her. He needed that happiness again. I knew he wanted the kid. There was no one in the universe I'd rather help than him.   
  
I heard footsteps behind me. 'Tyr,' I thought angrily. That Nietzchean really got on my nerves sometimes. I didn't even turn around. "Get the hell off of my ship!"   
  
"I'm sorry, Bek." It was Harper. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay."  
  
I controlled my anger, which wasn't as difficult considering all the guilt that was circulating through me for yelling at Harper and running off earlier. "No, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else. How did you get in here?" I still didn't turn around.  
  
"I have my ways," he said smugly. "Your password is really easy to figure out. It only took me two tries. Anyways, whenever you're ready to talk about whatever it is, I'm here." I heard him begin walking away.  
  
"No, wait!" Maybe Tyr was right, even though I thought I'd never admit that to myself, especially after he insulted me and all of womankind during our dinner together. Maybe talking to Harper would be the best thing to do.  
  
"Yeah?" He took a couple of steps towards me.  
  
"Sit down." I left my back turned to him.   
  
"Sure thing, Boss." I heard him plop down in the chair behind me.   
  
I took a few deep breaths and calmed myself. Beka Valentine has to be cool and collected, or really mad, pretty much anything but scared half to death and really nervous, like I was feeling. "Something's really been bothering me lately." I turned around and saw him sitting there in the chair, looking confused and expectant. 'It's now or never, Beka. Always choose now,' I thought. I leaned down to his level, until we were face to face. My heart was pounding. I fought the urge to run from it again, as I had been for a long time. "And if I can tell anyone about this, it's you. You haven't opened your mouth before." 'But I sure hope you open it now,' I thought as I leaned forward and kissed him.  
  
Some part of me, the part I listened to 99.9% of the time, realized I could be ruining our friendship completely in a matter of seconds, for something that might end in tragedy anyways. I just didn't listen to it and hoped I wouldn't regret that fact. And on some level, I knew that allowing our friendship to go on like it was, totally consumed in a lie, would ruin it in the long run. I pulled my mouth away from his after I thoroughly enjoyed the kiss, wondering if that feeling had been mutual... 


	5. Chapter 5: Harper

My best friend just kissed me out of the blue. I was in a state of total and utter shock. Fortunately, not the completely speechless kind. "So, uhhhhh...that wasn't one of those friendship reaffirmation apology type kisses, was it?"  
  
"Nope," she said, her face still less than a foot from mine.  
  
"Didn't figure it was. Those don't usually include any tongue." I didn't really know what to say to something so unexpected. Not entirely unwanted, but definitely unexpected.  
  
"Was it that bad?" she asked. I couldn't tell if it was sarcastic or sincere.  
  
"No, it was, ummmm, good. Really good, actually. Well, I was just wondering why." I knew exactly why. I was just having a little trouble believing it. She wanted me. And if that kiss was any indication, she had wanted me bad for a long time.   
  
"You kept on telling me to tell you what was bothering me, that we could handle it. So I just told, rather showed, you. Now, it's time to handle it."  
  
"You're asking me if I want to do that again?"  
  
"More or less." She didn't look as nervous or apprehensive as I felt. If my memory serves, she'd only looked that way once, when she was on flash.  
  
"Let's see. That was just about the most mind blowing, earth shattering kiss I've ever had. 'Course I wanna do it again." Well, most of me wanted to. I was still a little scared and worried. "But what about what we've got right now?"  
  
"We could say 'screw it' and have something else. Have this." She was serious.  
  
Her offer was tempting, and my hormones were definitely running on overdrive. But hell would freeze over before I messed up the best thing that ever happened to me. "Uhhhhhhh...can I have another sample of what I'm gonna get?" I couldn't resist the temptation, being a guy and everything. You've gotta love those raging hormones.  
  
Beka practically pounced on me. I was liking her aggressive approach until the chair, myself and her on top of me, crashed to the floor. My head was seriously hurting, but the kiss was so out of this world that I didn't care. Somehow, the chair moved out from under us. I think she had something to do with it. Then again, I'd forgotten completely I need to breathe at that point, so I probably won't ever be sure.  
  
'She can't have all the fun,' I thought as I realized I was completely on the receiving end and not giving any back. I managed roll both of us over, pinning her to the floor by straddling her. I took complete control, invading the sweet warmth of her mouth with my tongue. I didn't even realize I'd started grinding into her until she started grinding back even harder. I grinned into her mouth.  
  
"Seamus," Beka hissed as I broke the kiss and stopped moving. She was panting. "Don't stop!"  
  
I let the grin play across my face again. "Well, maybe I'm having second thoughts..." I said.  
  
She was silent, seeming to be thinking about what I said.  
  
I became very serious. "Y'know, I think my second thoughts are right....we should definitely get up on the table." I loved teasing her.  
  
She responded by hopping up, taking me with her. She started carrying me towards the table.  
  
"Hey! I can walk," I complained.  
  
"You need to learn a lesson about what you say to me." I could practically hear her grinning. This was going to be good.  
  
"Ummmmmmm..." I heard from behind us.  
  
Beka turned around quickly, dropping me on the floor, straight onto my pounding head.   
  
"Ow! You should be more careful," I muttered. I scrambled to my feet to see Trance standing there.   
  
"Dylan told me to tell Beka that he wanted to talk to her. But you're obviously busy so I think I'll go now." She began creeping away, embarrassed.  
  
"Wait!" Beka said.  
  
Trance turned around.  
  
"What you just saw didn't happen. Understand?" Beka took a few steps forward towards Trance.  
  
Trance nodded, eagerly hurrying away.  
  
"Damn! Do you think she's gonna tell, Bek?" I asked.  
  
She shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe we should say something before she has the chance to..."   
  
"First, there's something we've gotta do." I took her hand and started walking towards the Maru's airlock.   
  
"Where are we going, Harper?" she asked warily.  
  
"You'll see!" I replied with a grin.  
  
I practically dragged her all the way to Med Deck. I hurried back into the storage area and grabbed the petri dish that had been the source of all our problems.  
  
"That's..." She seemed worried.  
  
"Yep, it is." I took her hand again and walked over to the waste receptacle. I tossed the petri dish in it, watching it being disintigrated.   
  
Beka looked very surprised. But I thought-"  
  
"We don't need that anymore. Y'know, even with all the trouble we went through over it, I'm kinda grateful for it..."  
  
"Why?" she asked, our gazes meeting.  
  
"Well, because Lise really did mean well. And in the long run, she got what she wanted..." I smiled.  
  
"What was it that she wanted? I never got to ask her..."  
  
"She wanted a lot of things, but most of all, she wanted me to be happy. And I can't remember when I've been happier, Bek." I kissed her lightly before looking into the recaptacle once more. "Thanks, Lise...for us."  
  
"Thanks," Beka whispered.  
  
*********  
Epilogue: Two months later...  
  
I've never believed in happy storybook endings, especially since I spent twenty years on Earth. But the past two months have been really great. Trance kept her silence, and Beka and I waited a couple of weeks to tell everyone else.   
  
Dylan was a bit surprised, but not completely freaked out. He just told us that it had better not interfere with his Commonwealth, in other words.   
  
Tyr couldn't have cared either way, and to be honest, he seemed more than slightly relieved that Beka and I were a couple. Beka seemed to know why, but she never told me.   
  
Rev wished us well and said some stuff about the Divine leading us on the right path to happiness and enlightenment. I was staring at Beka so I wasn't really paying all that much attention.   
  
Rommie asked me if this meant I was going to stop hitting on her, in other words, of course. I told her that we'd see. So far, Beka's all that's been on mind, so I haven't hit on Rommie. I never thought I'd say that, after all I went through to impress Rom-doll over the past year.   
  
And Trance was expecting it and was full of questions about what we planned on doing. She was her usual bouncy, perky, happy self to sum things up.  
  
Neither Beka or me have been really for long term relationships or major commitments, but what we've got right now is comfortable. We're not living together by any means, but sometimes one of our quarters spends the night by itself, if you catch my drift. I'm not seeing anyone else, she's not seeing anyone else, and it's nice having someone to talk to. We still spend the vast majority of our spare time together, like we did when we were only best friends. We're actually still as much best friends as ever, with an added bonus. Life is good.  
  
What do I see in the future? I'm not really sure. Beka's happy with what we've got now. I'm happy with what we've got now. And I don't think you should change a good thing. Usually messes it up big time. Like we almost did with the whole Lise thing. Which is yet another question I've been asking myself. Do I still want to have kids, after everything that happened? I think maybe in a while, but it's not something I'm ready for right now. Fixing up Andromeda, surfing at every chance I get, and spending most of my time with Beka is more than enough for me. But who knows what the future holds?   



End file.
